Friday, September 30, 2011

eBay Seller Uses Every Tool In His Box

The seller of this Mercedes shift knob was either in too big of a hurry to get all gussied up in proper "bidness attire" or maybe he simply decided that the best way to move merchandise is with a hint of beefcake. Whatever the reason, the reflection of the photographer in the chrome knob reveals a pair of hairy nipples leading to Lord-only-knows what's lurking down in his nether regions.
Moral of this story: Always wear clothes when taking photos for the internet... of anything... for any reason. I've personally seen enough feet, tits and tail in eBay auctions to give Hustler Magazine a good run for it's money.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

All British Field Meet Makes Us Want to do Something Dirty with an E-Type

Portland, Oregon shares more in common with the British Commonwealth than just rain and ale, we both love finicky motoring relics of a bygone era. To that end, the All British Field Meet and Historic Races is happening throughout the extended Labor Day weekend at Portland International Raceway. This is an annual and beloved gathering of the faithful. Those who would prefer to pilot a self-loathing, hand built vehicle down a rain-soaked back road tend to have a slightly different world view than those of us who can't muster the bravery that is required to drive one of Ol' Blighty's finest on a day-to-day basis. Don't get me wrong, I've owned two Jaguars myself; one never actually ran and the second did so only at the date and time of it's choosing, regardless of the commitments or perils I may have been facing. Those cars had heart.

The prime event is the All British Field Meet where owners, drivers and fans of British steel (and aluminum) turn up to share stories and swap information amongst the royal loyal. Everything from Land Rover Defenders to Rolls-Royce 20/25 sedans, from Allards to Austin Healeys, from 4-wheeled Morgans to their 3-wheeled sisters, popped their hoods... errr, bonnets, in a choreographed display of absolute beauty and mutual admiration.

Saturday's activities featured a thrill ride of sorts with off-road tours offered by the adventurous Land Rover crowd for only $2 per rider with proceeds benefiting a local charity. There is a swap meet scheduled for Sunday that promises all the quarterlights, propshafts and boot kit spanners you could ever dream of.

The real thrill ride, however, is the competitions. Various classes of vintage steel pound the tarmac lap after lap in the historic races that take place daily until 5pm. I witnessed the eccentric Haggis Speed roadster, loosely patterned after a Lotus Super 7, make quick work of several competitors while giving a rough and tumble E-Type a solid run for it's money. There were cockpit doors flying open at the chicanes, dust ups between cars that would inevitably leave one or more straddling the candy cane hued curb, and puffs of brake dust serving as tangible proof of the determination of the pilots of these noble steeds, and before you ask, there were no Nobles present.

Shades of pale blue and orange, the traditional livery of Gulf Oil racers and a Martini striped Porsche 911 helped concrete the impression that we had all somehow been transported back in time, or at the very least to the Goodwood Festival of Speed. In the end, isn't that what all great car events do? They take us to the world we wish we lived in; a world where a plaid driving cap is tipped as a friendly gesture, where ladies unpack picnic baskets from the boot of a never-restored but perfectly serviceable old saloon car, and where we give a kind wave to a driver we've never meet before purely because he's piloting the same type of car as us.  Thank you England, thank you very much indeed.

Click "Read More" below to see nearly 80 photos!
A collection of classic Rovers.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Steve Jobs Magical Barcode License Plate Mystery Solved

For years now it seems every tech blog and random-ass news source has at one time or another posted an article revealing former Apple head Steve Job's "mysterious" license plate. You see, Job's SL55 AMG roadster sports a simple barcode where a license plate is normally found. The webisphereblogscape has been abuzz with speculation and theories ranging from the absurd ("California agreed to allow Jobs a special decal because his plates kept getting stolen") to the truly absurd ("It's a security measure") to the un-fucking-believably absurd ("Apple is working on new automobile/license plate designs that will change the world!"). Guess what ladies, none of that is true!

Every Mercedes-Benz in recent history has come with that same little sticker in the same location. It's printed with the VIN # next to a bar code and helps identify the individual car during the production process and also once it has shipped as a means of keeping track of the vehicle along it's route. Like many manufacturers today, Mercedes allows customers to track the production and delivery of their vehicles from day 1 until it's in your driveway. Some may find it confounding that, among the millions and millions of commuters who drive a Mercedes every day, only a few brave souls have chimed in to correct the abundant conspiracy theories. Why is this? Some would guess that many Mercedes owners have never had the need or motivation to see what's under their license plate. Why soil your hands when you can have someone else do it for you? More realistically, in many states, including California, the plate stays with the car when it's sold or transferred to another owner. Additionally, many Mercedes owners are brand loyalists and when they trade in their car for the newest model, the kind folks at the local dealership take care of all the plate changing and requisite ass kissing. Well folks, I am stepping forward, not only to break those Mercedes-Benz owner stereotypes, but to show you that anyone can have a Steve Job's style ride all for the price of an off-lease German motorcar. So go outside, pop off that rear tag and go for a drive around the block to experience the rush of living like a cultural demigod. Of course, you will be solely responsible for the tickets, fines and requisite driving classes that might reasonably face someone taking such actions.

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